Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Interview With a Dachshund

The Great Poochinski at rest

This "interview" was published in Connect Savannah last fall for some upcoming local wiener races. It's absolutely hilarious! It needed to be documented before it disappears off the net forever. By Linda Sickler.

Interview With a Dachshund

As part of our ongoing commitment to pushing the journalistic envelope, Connect Savannah recently caught up with a top contender in this year’s Wiener Dog Races, to be held Saturday morning as part of the annual Oktoberfest celebration on the river.

Born in the Ukraine, “Poochinski” was raised in Hamburg, Germany, and came to Savannah in 2002. He claims to be a four-time champion from 1995 to 1999 in Austria’s 28km Dachshund Drag Race. Poochinski retired from the world of professional Wiener Sports shortly before arriving in the Coastal Empire.

Known in Europe as the “Kosher Krusher,” Poochinski has not raced locally. He says prodding by friends and neighbors has convinced him to return to the race course.

Connect Savannah: Why did you first walk away from Wiener Sports?

Poochinski: I’ll tell ya. At a certain point it gets boring being The King. You know what I’m sayin’? I mean, how many times can some hot chick ask you for your pawprint? Once the waiters at the fanciest dining halls across Europe start ushering you to the best table legs in the house, where can one go from there? America, that’s where! I thought I’d slow down the pace, rest on my laurels, and sign some lucrative spokescanine deals. Unfortunately I found out the hard way that in the “Land of The Free,” everybody’s just a little too busy to keep up with Continental Wiener Sports champions! Over here, I’m seen as less than an athlete and more like a circus freak. And who wants to eat the same cereal as a circus freak?

Connect Savannah: How did you end up in Savannah?

Poochinski: Like everybody else. I read that damn book and thought any place where a young hustler can get shot was a good enough place for me.

Connect Savannah: Who are your owners, and are they involved in Wiener Sports?

Poochinski: Owners?

Connect Savannah: You say you’ve attended the Savannah races in the past, although you haven’t competed. How do they compare to the races in your, um, homeland?
Poochinski: Not to brag on myself, but if you wanna know the truth, I could probably win this race by falling asleep. Uh-huh.

Connect Savannah: You say you’re a four-time champion. How many other races have you competed in, and did you win any of them?

Poochinski: I played amateur for years before turning pro. I ran in five televised races. Look ‘em up on YouTube. I would have won all five, but they disqualified me for a doping thing that I don’t want to get into right now.

Connect Savannah: What do you do to prepare for a race?

Poochinski: Eat a lot of wheat germ and riboflavin. Sometimes I fantasize about the Powerpuff Girls.

Connect Savannah: How many hours a day do you train?

Poochinski: I’d have to say “a negligible amount.”

Connect Savannah: How did you get the nickname Kosher Krusher?
Poochinski: Well, even though I was born in the Ukraine, my mom was Welsh and my dad was Hungarian. Do you get what I’m layin’ down? Oh, yeah. Ounce for ounce. Where it counts.

Connect Savannah: What do you want the other contestants to know about you?

Poochinski: I’m there to win. I’ll destroy you. I’ll send you back home to cry in your little blankets. But it’s nothing personal. It’s what I do. It’s who I am. Poochinski, THE BEST.

Connect Savannah: Why do you want to destroy your opponents?

Poochinski: Americans deserve to get put in their place. They’re arrogant, ignorant, self-absorbed bullies. The dogs, I mean.

Connect Savannah: Why do you think you are “the best?”

Poochinski: Lady, if we weren’t talkin’ on the phone you wouldn’t have to ask me that.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This interview is the best thing I've ever read. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time! :)

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