Slightly Spicy: The Dachshunds, The Spinster, and The Vet

An elderly spinster who was a Dachshund Lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors’ black and tan smooth while the neighbors went on vacation.
The only problem was that the spinster's own Dachshund, a red smooth, was a bitch that was in 'Heat' and the neighbors’ Dachshund was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep, the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the Dachshunds locked together - as dogs do when mating. The Dachshunds were in obvious pain and howling but unable to disengage. Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late, nearly 1 AM...she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem and the vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the Dachshunds and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch."

"Oh" said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"

"Well" The vet replied, "IT JUST F*****G WORKED ON ME!"

Wii-ner Dogs

Apparently this is a birthday card you can find.  Thanks to the Dachshund Lover who sent it in!

Dachshund Humor

A smooth-haired Dachshund and a long-haired Dachshund were walking down the street. The smooth turned to the longhair and complained, “My life is such a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a wirehair and I’m as nervous as a cat." “Why don’t you go talk it over with a psychiatrist?” asked the longhair. “I can’t,” replied the smooth. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

Historic Dachshund Humor

"Made in Germany, corrected in England." 

Early 1900s German postcard.

David Letterman Dachshund Zinger

"There are roving packs of coyotes in New York, and they're brazen. Today I saw one spreading mustard on a Dachshund." Late Show with David Letterman, February 9, 2010. 

Photo source:  Dachshund Treasures

Riddle Me This

Q:  Why did the Dachshund bite Rush Limbaugh in the ankle?

A:  Because he couldn't reach any higher.

We're So Blessed

The Rev. Robert Cooper blesses 'Vangie,' a Dachshund-mix owned by student Carol Ann Van Zant at St. Peter Catholic School in Covington, Louisiana, on Tuesday.  Source.

And now for a little Friday Funny? 

This devout Christian couple felt it important to own an equally Christian pet.
So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in Christian dogs, they found a little black and tan smooth Dachshund they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his stubby paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home, piously.
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Dachshund and his skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well.
This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called the long dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up on the guest's lap, put his short paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head and began to pray.  

Canine Humor

Thanks to our pal 'Polly' for sending this in!

Wiener Shock

A Hot Mess: Dachshund On Viagra

A Friday Funny?

If you enjoyed this, check out Hot Mess Alaskan Booty Call in the post The World Revolves Around Dachshunds.

Modern Dachshund Humor

Q: What did the handsome hungry Piebald Dachshund say after his meal?

A: "That hit the spots."


Have a great Friday.

Vintage Dachshund Humor

Good old humor never dies. From The Chicago Daily Tribune, February 12th, 1905.

Time in Transmission. "I never know," said Figgers, "when I pat a dachshund on the head and he wags his tail, whether he isn't wagging for a pat he received an hour before."

Dachshund Humor

(click image to enlarge)

Sunday's Drabble via comics.com. Thanks to our pals Sampson, Tommy, and Gina Marie for the link!

Dog Eat Dog

See more at i has a hotdog.

A Dachshund Riddle

We know we're treading on thin ice with this joke, but here goes:

Q: If your dachshund is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

A: The dachshund, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


When we told this to our friend 'Peaches' she replied: I assumed it was because a man always listens to his wiener.

Touché.

Have a great Friday.

(early image source unknown - click it to enlarge)

Dachshund Humor

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Dachshund sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the doxie replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The doxie looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.

He goes back up front and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff".

(Early vintage photo source unknown)

Dachshund Humor (slightly saucy)

Three dachshunds - one long-hair, one wire-hair and one smooth are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

The smooth turns to the long-hair and says, "So why are you here?"
The long-hair replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The smooth says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the long-hair. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The long-hair then turns to the wire-haired and asks, "Why are you here?"
The wire hair says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the smooth inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected wire hair said.
The wire hair then turns to the smooth and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
"I'm a humper," the smooth says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The long hair and wire hair exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The smooth says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."


Photo Source: unknown, widely circulated on the net

Vintage Dachshund Humor

(click image to enlarge)

Now No Tricks On Mama. Vintage image looks to be from the 20s.

Dachshund Humor

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his German Shepard.
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his Collie could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his Chocolate Lab could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said,
"What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his Dachshund and said, "Coffee Break,
do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, had his way with the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Dachshund Humor

I went to the movie theater the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund. It was a sad, funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dachsie cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dachsie laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."