For Immediate Release: Dachshund, a press release from some time and place in the groovy 1970s, source unknown:
I'm tired of being called a "sausage" and of hearing myself described as the ideal family dog because everyone can pet me at once. As if the ridicule isn't bad enough, children have a habit of picking me up by my front legs. That hurts! I may look funny, but I'm not a wind-up toy that can be picked up any old way.