This dachshund tale was recently written in The Star Press out of Indiana by John Carlson. Funny stuff!
An interesting thing happened to me last weekend.
My wife was leaving for an overnight trip to Illinois, so I decided to walk her out to her car.
Anyway, we're on the way out there, her walking directly behind me, when she suddenly says, "Aren't you feeling a little breezy?"
And I say, "Breezy? No. Why should I feel breezy?"
Then she says, "Because the rear end is totally ripped out of those Bermuda shorts you are wearing."
So I turn around and look at her like she is nuts, but she says, "Seriously."
So then I reach for my backside and start feeling around for some cloth, but the only thing my hand is coming in contact with is, like, air.
Well, naturally, I'm like, "Geez! How'd the rear end get totally ripped out of my Bermudas?"
Just then, my eyes land on Layla, our miniature, clothes-hating dachshund, a dog that, take it from me, has dismantled hundreds of assorted shoes, socks, shirts and pants around our place over the last four years.
"Layla!!!" I holler, all huffy like, staring hard at her. "Did you rip the rear end out of these Bermuda shorts I'm wearing?"
Well, she doesn't reply, but she won't return my eye contact, either, so right then I am thinking dang, she really did it. But then, all of a sudden, I'm thinking something even worse: Uh, didn't I wear these shorts to mow the lawn the day before?
Then I'm thinking, yeah, I definitely did wear these shorts to mow the lawn the day before.
So, with a look of absolute horror on my face and the rear end of my Bermudas totally ripped out, I mention that sad fact to my wife who, to express her profound sympathy at this disturbing revelation, immediately begins laughing her head off.
"Hey," I protest, "it ain't that funny. If I was mowing the lawn with the rear end totally ripped out of my Bermudas, it's only by the grace of God that somebody didn't call the cops!"
But what I'm asking myself while my wife is laughing so hard that she is now wheezing from hyperventilation is, what would I have done then?
Well, I guess I would have told the cops the truth: "I'm sorry, officer, I didn't realize that my miniature dachshund ripped the rear end out of my Bermudas."
Of course, then I think, yeah, like they'd buy that.
Probably every pervert who gets arrested for exposing himself says something like, "I'm sorry, officer, I didn't realize that my miniature dachshund ripped the rear end out of my Bermudas."
So anyway, it was a very lucky thing that none of my neighbors called the cops on me.
By the way, if any of them did see me mowing the lawn like that, I want to apologize for both Layla and myself and assure them that, in the future, I intend to check my Bermudas far more carefully before leaving the house.
John Carlson is a features writer for The Star Press.
Unfortunately, there were no photos of 'Layla' with the story. But check out more pics of coverdoxie 'Clementine' by 'nancyhedy' right here on flickr! She has some great pics. Like this one of little Clementine and Scarlet: